The "Ninja-No-Nonsense-Don't-Pass-the-Wedding Cake" weight loss challenge

Well this blog really was quite the epic fail since it's been almost four years since I've written anything.

Jeepers creepers! An awful lot has happened since then… And weight loss wise, let's just underscore the awful part. There's been some losing weight, and then gaining weight, and then losing and then gaining and then… well you get the drift.

Of my three blogs, this one (like my self of steam) suffers the most. It barely has any followers and not many page views. So why kick start it back up?  Well, Missy, it's quite simple: I have a wedding coming up. No, not mine, silly. One of my daughters is getting married, and well, I'd like to be thinner.

A lot thinner.

A lot less Rubenesque.

Svelte.

I'm not really sure sure how I'm going to accomplish all this except I know it has to involve more exercise, less food, probably less chocolate and more than a dash of determination.

And apparently, I'm going to do it ninja style because whatever readers I once had have fallen by the wayside. Oddly enough, I take some comfort in the anonymity, and yet, I still feel some accountability. Go figure.

Four years ago, I was in the midst of my "Frying-in-my-own-fat" weight loss challenge. Ya gotta love a clever title.

So just in case someone is out there, welcome to my "Ninja-No-Nonsense-Don't-Pass-the-Wedding Cake" weight loss challenge. Whew! That's a mouthful. I guess we could just call it the "Ninja Diet" for short.

Let the games begin, and the may the odds ever be in my favor… 

Weight Loss Challenge Update–Another Year, Another Ton of Food

[This article was first published as Another Year, Another Ton of Food on Technorati.}


Christmas break finally ended, and with it, my hiatus from "My Frying In My Own Fat" Weight Loss Challenge.

I suppressed an anxiety/panic attack and finally stepped on my scale that had been leaning against my closet wall mocking me.

On the count of three, can we all do the dance of joy?

No, I did not lose any weight. But I did not gain any either despite the holiday noshing which included such delightful and delicious things like cheese cake, apple pie, holiday chocolate, freshly baked rolls and second helpings. (I get giddy and dizzy just thinking about it).

Finally, I got it.

Finally, I realized that if I ate so much of this, I couldn't have any of that. Or, if I ate this, I better not touch that. Or, if I exercised here, I could eat that over there.
And since I finally had a  better understanding about portions, I knew what a normal plate should look like.

Notice, I said "normal plate," not "normal person" because I was somewhat shocked when I heard a radio report over my break that

the average woman weighs about 165 pounds.
In another news report, I also heard that the average American eats about a ton of food a year. Suddenly, those two slices of cheese cake don't seem so bad after all.
Unless of course, I start inching toward inhaling the national average of 2,700 calories a day.

All of that news was enough to make me fork over an extra $40 and sign up for a special 5-week yoga for weight loss and management class at my favorite yoga studio.

I was a bit disheartened when I discovered that there were actually some Skinny Minnies signed up for the class. And, we're not talking about regular Skinny Minnies, but those perfect Skinny Minnies who can actually do all those crazy yoga poses and always look fab-u-lous doing them while I'm either falling over or studying my toes.

Despite that little setback, Chris (my No. 1 favorite yoga instructor and studio owner) told us to come to the new class with an open mind and good attitude.

Oh, I'll come with an open mind all right.

And an attitude.

I just can't promise what kind of attitude that will be.

At this point, the yogis of the world are probably gasping and muttering mantras about letting go of judgements and competition.

Don't get me wrong, I'm willing to let go…just as soon as I let go of another 10 pounds.

Let the games begin!

Week 14–How Black Friday Put Me Back On Track

[This article was first published as Week 14–How Black Friday Put Me Back On Track on Technorati.]

Like most Americans, I allowed myself license to fall off the diet bandwagon and consumed mass quantities of food over Thanksgiving. 

And just like Turkey, Texas, I pretty much rejected any ideas of substituting tofu for my turkey. No siree, Missy. No tofu here.

And although I fell from grace on Thanksgiving, Black Friday provided a redemption of sorts, setting me back on the righteous diet track. Let me explain. 

Black Friday found me at the mall as a willing participant in helping with that  7 percent increase in spending over last year's post-turkey day shopping spree.

So there I was enticed into a Betsey Johnson store by a pink 40 percent off everything sign. Within minutes, I was standing with a few gift items in line behind a woman who was one and half times the size of me. 

She was bemoaning to the sales woman (who was probably 60 percent younger than me and 60 percent smaller than me) as to why designer Betsey Johnson didn't make clothes for "larger" sized women.

I wanted to say, "Oh, you mean FAT women," but I stopped myself and resisted the sudden urge to randomly poll shoppers asking, "Does anyone remotely think squeezing a plus-size woman into one of Betsey's dresses is a good idea? Anyone? Anyone at all?"

And that fellow shoppers didn't even begin to address the age factor. While I tend to agree you are only as old as you feel, I also believe that age does have certain limitations. While I would love to be able to fit into my daughter's clothes, I really don't think wearing them would be a good idea.

It was sort of like that moment a few weeks ago when my youngest daughter called to tell me that Modest Mouse was finally coming to Texas. And I said, "Oh, I wish I could go, but I guess I'm too old…"

Which was followed by a moment of silence instead of an invitation to the concert.

I get it. I really do. Sometimes I forget I'm part of that 50-plus set.

Which is why I will never see Modest Mouse or wear one of those funky, fabulous Betsey Johnson dresses. 

Still, the thought that one day I could fit into one of those funky, fabulous Betsey Johnson dresses if I stay the course on my Frying-In-My-Own-Fat Weight Loss Challenge put me right back on track.

Who knows, maybe I'll even actually buy one of those fabulously, funky Betsey Johnson dresses. You know, I could wear it around the house while belting out my repertoire of my favorite Modest Mouse tunes.

So Betsey, stay the course. Don't design for the larger crowd. Be my inspiration, and I promise I'll hop back on the scale next week a pound lighter and singing "Fire it up!"

And who knows, maybe next Black Friday I'll try on one of those funky, fabulous dresses. 

Week 9 of the "Frying In My Own Fat" Weight Loss Challenge: Experts Appear Surprised by Weight Research

[This article was first published as Week 9: Experts Appear Surprised by Weight Research on Technorati.]

I don't know why researchers and health experts always seem so surprised when they "discover" this or that in their recent surveys about fatty this or skinny that. The latest surprise discovery was that three in 10 overweight or obese people don't view their weight as a health issue.

Maybe that's because some of those other studies showed that a lot of overweight people really don't view themselves as fat.

Then there was that sleep thing they connected to weight loss. Blah, blah, blah. Sure there are some scientific factors that weigh in here, but on a basic level, you don't need to be a rocket scientist or commission a study to figure out the more you are awake, the more time you have to eat.

If I were a gamblin' woman, I would wager that these experts' facial expressions must be something akin to a permanent rendition of Macaulay Culkin's "Home Alone" face.

Now, that's a face I can related to.  I feel that way every single time I step on that scale and those numbers refuse to move downward. 

This weight loss challenge has been quite a challenge lately.

Daunting actually.

I don't quite understand why it's so easy to put these extra pounds on, but so difficult to take them off. I found a recent article that provided a laundry list of stuff that can sabotage weight loss. The list was mainly a collection of common sense things.

Then, of course, another article discussed how mindless eating can cause weight gain, too.

Gee whillikers, another shocker there.

I'll tell you what sabotages weight loss… F-O-O-D.

Let's all practice our "Home Alone" face as we step onto the scale for Week 9 of the "I'm-Frying-In-My-Own-Fat" Weight Loss Challenge.


Can I have a thunder thigh roll, pah-leese?

Just as I suspected. Weight loss for this week:  one measly pound.

No shocker there.

Week 5 Frying in My Own Fat Weight Loss Challenge: State Fair Fryfest Serves as Too Much Temptation

 [This article was first published as Week 5: State Fair Fryfest Serves as Too Much Temptation on Technorati.]


The great State Fair of Texas gets underway in just a few weeks.

Sadly, I will not be one of the more than 2.6 million people expected to attend this year. Sorry, Big Tex, but I can't afford to get much bigger.
I love the state fair, but it's filled with all kinds of tasty, fried treats. (I can hear my arteries clogging just at the thought.)  New to the fryfest this year include deep-fried pineapple, fried salsa, fried bubble gum, and what I thought would be my personal favorite– a very special fried banana (think banana rolled in a flour tortilla fried then topped with whipped cream, powdered sugar, cinnamon, vanilla extract and then drizzled with caramel or chocolate syrup).
That little healthy apple in my lunch box doesn't look so good now.
Last year, The Dallas Morning News had the Cooper Clinic crunch some numbers on the winning fried food finalists at the fair. According to the article, if we ate those entries "you'd consume a heart-pounding, take-your-breath-away 5,089 calories, about half of them from fat."
Since I struggled to lose one pound this week, you can see why Big Tex will have to do without me there this year. 
I don't want to have to borrow his size 284 W x 185 L pants.

Frying in My Own Fat Week Three: Yoga Brings Little Stress Release

[This article was first published as Week 3–Yoga Brings Little Stress Relief on Technorati.]

I'm not quite sure if it's the lack of sugar, sleep or just a general malaise from this record setting heat, but quite frankly this "Frying In My Own Fat" Weight Loss Challenge thing is making me just a tad bit grumpy.

OK, so maybe more than a tad bit grumpy.

My yoga buddy, Becky, and I came within a nanosecond of earning the dubious distinction of being the first people on planet to be tossed out of a yoga class. Who knew yoga could be so stressful?

OK OK OK so maybe that's a tad bit of an exaggeration, but if we had actually put our thoughts into actions, let's just say my little yoga crane hands would have poked out Mr. Gumby Guy Yoga Instructor's eyes out, and that would have been a very, very un-yogi like thing to do especially during National Yoga Month.

It's not that I don't love yoga. I do, and with it being National Yoga Month, you can actually get a free week's worth of yoga at just about any place. Which, after my little class with Mr. Gumby Guy Yoga instructor, is a great idea so you can find an instructor that matches you like my favorite teacher of all time, Chris.

I most certainly can understand why people are reticent to sign up for a gym, continue an exercise program and or try something new. You get tired of people expecting you to do things you just can't do, and then chastise you for "not pushing yourself."
Since I apparently have these anger issues, for a fleeting instant, I almost succumbed to one of those slick advertisements and signed up for a fitness boot camp specials from Groupon.

Almost.

I thought maybe, just maybe, it would help jump start me a bit more after that crème brulee fiasco of last week.

Even though those boot camp sites claim their programs are for people of all ages and skill levels, well, just look at their camp videos. I didn't see one person who looked like me… old…fat…grumpy…tired…nonrunner…

I bet they have an entire army of Mean Mr. Gumby Guys.

Except these guys probably yell at you.

Instead, I purchased a nice little Groupon facial.

I figured I deserved a little stress reduction and a little reward. I lost two pounds this week, and I didn't poke anyone's eye out.

Why I hate the French––Week 2: Frying in My Own Fat Weight Loss Challenge

[This article was first published as Frying in My Own Fat Week Two: Why I hate the French on Technorati.]

After my dinner out Friday night, you might as well make me the poster child for the big fat diet failure.  
 

Apparently, though, I'm not the only failure. According to a recent study and news reports, obesity is fast replacing tobacco "as the single most important preventable cause of chronic non-communicable diseases."

I'm not quite sure why everyone else keeps failing, but I'm blaming the French because my failure can be summed up in two little French words– Creme Brulee.

For those of you who didn't take high school or college French, Creme Brulee  roughly translates as "Fatty Fatty Two-by-Four." This dessert alone can single handedly be a diet saboteur, and even that word is French in its origins.

Need I say more about why I am no longer fond of the French?

So now I can only say that, according to the scale I keep hidden in my closet, I have only lost a grand total of two pounds since we got this party started two weeks ago. 

Before the creme brulee debacle, I was down another pound by midweek and hoping to whack off another 16 ounces by my weekly Monday weigh in, so I could report a two pound loss for the week. But according to my cyber fitness pal, if all my days were like my day Friday, I'd gain 10 pounds in five weeks and look like that lady at the restaurant spilling out of her zebra print dress.

OK, OK, OK so maybe my cyber pal didn't give me that visual.

You might as well poke my eye out with a stick of salted butter.

Except I'd probably eat it–all 810 calories.